Embracing the Light: Battle with Postpartum Depression
By Courtney Paton, MSN, PMHNP-BC
4 minute read
As the warm water streamed down my body, I took deep breaths, trying to inhale the calming essence of lavender oil that lay scattered on the shower floor. My physical and emotional wounds were evident - bruises, IV marks, and exhaustion from labor. Downstairs, my newborn daughter was in the safe care of my mother, husband, brother, and father. They insisted I take a hot shower to relax, but no matter how hard I tried, relaxation seemed impossible.
The sense of dread and panic washed over me, I just couldn't understand why. My baby was healthy, my pregnancy and delivery had been routine, and I had all the support and love I could ask for. But instead of joy and peace, panic enveloped me. I would find myself doing something routine like washing dishes or folding laundry, and suddenly I would feel that something awful was about to happen. For no reason, my heart would start pounding, I would feel nauseous and shaky and my thoughts would race. My husband tried to reassure me that all was well but I could not relax or rest. As the days passed, my anxiety intensified, and panic attacks became more frequent. Intrusive thoughts invaded my mind, haunting me with terrifying images of horrible things happening to my infant daughter. The images would pop into my head with things out of a horror movie, pictures of me dropping her down the stairs, her being trapped inside the dryer, a boulder falling on her head. Each image would terrify me to my core and I would feel so repulsed by them I would run to the bathroom to cry and vomit.
Guilt and confusion deepened as I knew these thoughts were irrational. Yet they persisted, despite my overwhelming desire to protect and love my daughter. As these thoughts clouded over me, I also began questioning my sanity. I asked myself where these thoughts could be coming from? How could I, a loving mother who wanted nothing more than to care for and protect my baby, have a brain that was generating these dark thoughts?
Lonely Quest for Understanding
Desperate for answers, I turned to my mother, hoping she might provide some insight or reassurance. However, she confessed to having had very normal postpartum periods with my brother and me, leaving me feeling like a failure and a freak. My husband's bewildered expression only added to my sense of isolation, making me believe I was facing this battle alone.
Seeking Professional Help
In the depths of despair, I found myself seeking help at the emergency room one night. The nurse was horrified by my reports of intrusive thoughts and assumed that hospitalization was necessary. She suggested I put my belongings in a plastic bag for safekeeping, telling me I likely would need to be admitted to the psychiatric unit. This only heightened my panic. I remembered desperately trying to explain to her that these were just thoughts and not things I had any intention of acting on. I sobbed and told her that all I wanted was my daughter to be safe and healthy. She looked at me with confusion. When the doctor came in, he too looked concerned and asked my husband if he believed I was safe to be around the baby. My husband, though worried, assured them that I would never harm our child.
The doctor called a psychiatrist to discuss my case, but even then, there seemed to be uncertainty and hesitation about the best course of action. He recommended medication and sent me home with prescriptions, but the lack of understanding and support from the medical professionals left me feeling even more alone in my struggle.
A Glimpse of Hope
Amidst the darkness, a glimmer of hope emerged during a visit with a lactation consultant. Bravely, she confided that she too had struggled with postpartum depression and anxiety after her son's birth. She had experienced the same terrifying intrusive thoughts and panic attacks and had found an antidepressant and a therapist that had helped her find her way back to being herself. Her honesty and understanding made me feel seen and validated. It was the first time since my daughter's arrival that I didn't feel like I had to handle it all on my own.
The Road to Healing
Despite the discouraging experience at the emergency room, I persevered in my quest for help. I sought out a different psychiatric provider, one who specializes in postpartum mental health. It was through this process that I finally found the support and understanding I desperately needed. He listened to my story with compassion, confirming that I was suffering from postpartum depression and anxiety. He prescribed an antidepressant that had helped me in the past and recommended talk therapy to work through my feelings and thoughts. With the right support system in place, my journey towards healing began.
As the days turned into weeks, and weeks into months, I slowly started to see a glimmer of light amidst the darkness. The intrusive thoughts became less frequent, the panic receded and peace and mental quiet returned. The combination of medication and therapy began to lift the heavy burden from my shoulders. My personal journey through postpartum depression taught me that even in the darkest moments, hope can be found. For me and many others with postpartum depression and anxiety, the path to wellness was through a combination of support, medication and therapy.
My experience after my daughter was born was such a pivotal moment in my life that I decided to go back to school and become a mental health counselor when she turned one. I had promised myself in the midst of my crisis that I would make it my life’s mission to never let another woman feel as alone and frightened as I was. I wanted to be a light to other women in the darkness of PPD. I later earned my nursing degree and ultimately became a psychiatric nurse practitioner so that I am able to provide each of the aspects of care needed for women to heal from PPD.
By sharing my story and embracing vulnerability, I hope to raise awareness about postpartum depression, eliminate the stigma surrounding mental health, and encourage other mothers to seek the support they need.
Remember, there is light at the end of the tunnel, and with the right help and understanding, you can heal. Together, we can support one another and break the barriers of isolation and shame that often accompany postpartum depression.
You are not alone, healing is possible, and you and your baby will be ok. If you don’t know where to go for help, we have a number of psychiatric nurse practitioners at Lavender specializing in postpartum care. We’re here to help.
